A Set of Poems

BEEN
Broken down and bitter I have been.
Restless and tired I always am.
Loved and respected I have never been.
Hurt and broken hearted I have always been.
Taken care of and cared about is what I wish I could have been.
Happy is what i will never be again.

ME
Take me awway to a place I have never been. Show me a love I have never known. Tell me something I longed to hear. Tell me your deepest, darkest fears. Open up to me with everything you are. Show me who you really are. Do not lie to me please, for I won’t be able to take anymore. Just be true to me and who you are.

Sunshine

Self

She losses her sense of self, the power that she had.

Will she recover all she once had?

Independence, strong-willed, and a fighter in her that wants to rebel.

Eyes closed, slow deep breaths as she tries not to think back.

Calmer now, for she finds her inner guide and the inner fighters; slowly, carefully easing out, hidden under one another.

They thought this was finally over. 

Brick by brick the wall starts to shine, like a protective cover over something so rare to find. 

One by one they hurry busily, for they know this rarity needs time. 

As they build this cover, pieces are recovered that have been broken by another. 

Gently, piece by piece they are placed back to their original order. 

As the last piece is placed and last bricks are built, strong will, will now show her will. 

Hand over cover, she vows from here on out to protect this rarity from pain, hatred, and all others.

No one to get in and rarity to never be pulled out. 

Hidden away it shall stay, for this precious rarity can’t be trusted with others. 

As the vow is vowed, strong will alter into a guarded fighter who will guard from all others. 

With one last exhale, embers start to glow from the black ashes that were once left behind. 

A sign, for that power and sense of self-will, will again rise. 

 

Sunshine

A Wish

I wish I could get you to understand, to see what I see from the window looking in. A man, that if given the opportunity, I would once again un-guard myself just for a chance to try to win; a man of such southern charm and kindness that has grown on me over time. What I would not give to see where this could lead but unfortunately you are unavailable emotionally. I want you to see that she is not what you need, she is not here with you, and she has not been here for you, but instead me.

 

Sunshine

 

 

Round and round we go. Where we stop no one knows. Man afer man and woman after woman, the same never-ending story. Heartache after heartache, when will it ever stop or are we all just doomed to be alone and empty? They all seem like the same, no compliments matter, no I love you’s make a dent , no butterflies are felt; you have become covered with armor. Cold hearted you have become, not feeling anything but numb, you live your life hitting and quitting others. the thought that someone is out there true and kind has finally taken doubt in your mind.

Sunshine

 

 

 

This time of year, Christmas is always the hardest and the most painful time of year for me. I never know when the depression will strike or the tears will fall or the memory of him doing something or saying something dumb will come rolling back. The worst memory is the day that we buried him. The movements of that day fills my mind and heart so full of emotion I just want to drop to my knees, curl in a ball and cry my eyes out. You would think after almost 17 years that it would get easier, coping with what happened would get better but it doesn’t and I hate it. I don’t want to remember the day I had to say goodbye to him and put my father in the ground. Maybe it’s because I want to so bad to change the outcome and not receive that phone call. I know the outcome will never change, I’m not stupid. You can’t change what is already done, what reality is. You still think though, the what ifs; what if he didn’t go on the truck that week, what if the ambulance would have got to him faster or even if the doctors would have kept pushing harder. I know they did everything in their power to save him that day they made sure to tell us that but the what ifs will still be there. I miss him everyday but this time of year where families come together and remember what families are supposed to be and what this time of year means it gets very hard. If this has taught me anything, it has taught me what precious our time is with one another. As much as I want to strangled my family most of the time and could probably, if ever given a chance, throw a hammer at each and every one of them I still love them with all my heart. No matter if we are fighting or cussing each other they are still my family and we will always be there for one another no matter what. My father died one week before Christmas and you would think I would hate this time of year but as much as I wish my father was still here and as much as it haunts me every year at this time. I still love Christmas because I know what this time of year means and how it can bring families who are at odds with one another back to each other, it has a way of healing people if you let it.

 

 

My eyes become wide as the darkness begins to rise; the hustling and bustling of the day begins to die; the whispers of the night begin to rise. Are they really there or just familiar voices re-winding in my head. Standing in the middle of it all, I turn my head, one way and then the other; are they coming from here or there or through the walls, but nothing appears before my eyes but the darkness of the night. The voices are of this and that, of things I want so desperately to leave in the past. Are they a creation of my crazy imagination or a warning from a premonition?

And as the Angel opened her eyes she also opened her heart to the purest of loves and prayed that he who held the dagger would not thrust it into her open heart, breaking her soul forever.

Sunshine

 

 

 

Whisper

Whisper to my heart softly for it is only stitched together with thread. When you talk to me use kind words that will forever stay within me instead of harsh words that will only pull me down. When you touch me, touch me gently with care and love. When you hold me, hold me like I’m your one and only. Don’t ever hurt me for I have been hurt many times before. Give me the chance to give my whole heart to you. It won’t be today, it won’t be tomorrow, it will take some time for sure, but in the end you’ll understand why I am a one of a kind girl. For these are the things that will open my guarded doors.

Written by Sunshine

Introducing Sunshine!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne WilliamsonA Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”

Have you ever been in a situation where you were asked, “what are you most passionate about? What makes you unique, makes you stand out from other people?” I am sure you have and like many I’m sure you have answered, “I don’t know,” out of fear of being looked at differently. I have, we all have. For countless years I have been passionate about writing but out of fear very few knew this about me and out of fear I would not share anything that I wrote with others. The one thing I was good at I was afraid to allow people to know because I didn’t want my stuff to be laughed at, criticised, and torn apart. I sat with this secret for many years until one day I figured out in my own head that in order to be brilliant and successful at something you have to allow yourself to be open to the criticism and failure. 

Why did I choose blogging? I love to write about anything that intrigues me, whether it’s what I am feeling on the inside that day, to my opinion on political view points, to what I thought about after talking to a 80-year-old man, to the point of telling the crazy stories of my past/present love life( these stories make me wonder how I ever stayed seine), I can pretty much write about anything. So, what better way to write about anything and everything that intrigues than to blog it. Also, as much as I am doing this for me I am also doing it for others. I hope that people will respond to my blog and I do hope that in ways what I do write about touches others and they can relate and maybe find some comfort in knowing that there are others out there that go through the same things daily. 

With that being said I really hope you enjoy and continue to follow my journey on here. Please feel free to comment on anything that I post and ask questions. I will always respond. See ya later alligator.